Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again

I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.

A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.

Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago

Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today

At some point, we need to be conscious of what kind of world we’re leaving behind for our limited edition beanie babies.

I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image

Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.

Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.

broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”

woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”

Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.

Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.

judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever

jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam

judas: yo what the f

If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.

I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.

They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.

I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.

me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]

[before animals were invented]

plants: this is nice

Time to indulge in my favorite Thanksgiving tradition: Betting half of my life savings on the pug to win the National Dog Show on FanDuel and then storming off before dinner when I lose

me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today

platter of various cheeses:

it is so crazy how many hours are actually in a day when u wake up before 11:30 am…..wow………do people know about this

This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.

I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere

I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.

Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”

Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”

95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.

I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.

I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO

forgive me baja for i have blast

My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.