Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
![]()
You Might Also Like
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.![]()
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
![]()
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
I have a colonoscopy today. Yesterday, I started my prep. Haven’t ate anything in over 24 hours and drank all the laxative. It’s been a long 24 hours so far of just hanging out in my bathroom.
Just checked my phone and realized my colonoscopy is actually July 12th and not June 12th…..
I hate myself
True
![]()
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.