Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
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watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
How can you tell baby kangaroos apart when they’re all named Joey?
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
What do you call a shoe made out of a banana?
A Slipper
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Proctology is located in A55
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
my dads out of town and i just went over to his house to deep clean it while he’s gone and there was a lizard running around his kitchen and when i told him he was like “hell yeah that’s Kevin”
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”