Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
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1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Monday
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich