Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
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Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
I put the h in mysterious.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
S M O L
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.