Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
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so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it