Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
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I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
lesbianism is all fun and games until your wife has filled the house with more and more yarn and fabric for her textile crafts
there is another woman in my relationship and her name is Joanne Fabrics
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
Tier 3 meme
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple