Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
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Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
Throwing a baby shower isn’t actually that hard. For a start, it’s much lighter than a regular shower.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
Nothing is more important to me than my family. They’re the only ones who get my references.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.