Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
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Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
Otters see a butterfly.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
Basketball games are very squeaky.
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
Ah yes time to come home and have a nice nutritious meal called “37 crackers”
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand