Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
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“Okay Benjamin, now I need you to go outside, point your nose up at the sky, and slowly start turning around. I’ll yell when I get a good signal.”
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
Just found a WhatsApp message to my friends from 2014 when I was living near Central Park. Little did I know it was a Kennedy
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
The answer is funnier than the question
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
🛁
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*