Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
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Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
I was at the library, when people began throwing Stephen King novels around.
I could not figure out why. Then IT hit me.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
If I lived in a town where dancing was illegal, I’d take up arson as a hobby. “Footloose” would have been 7 minutes long.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.