Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
You Might Also Like
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
😍😂🥰😂😍
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Why font matters.
Dad died last year. I had the job of clearing his house out as I still
live in the same town. Found twelve thousand pounds in cash stashed in various hiding places. Haven’t told my siblings.
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
