Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
You Might Also Like
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
Dog: I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE NOW TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO SO BAD
Me: omg okay
[45 minutes into our walk]
Me: OMG GO TO THE BATHROOM
Dog: none of these spots meet my strict criteria
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
I deserve chocolate. I just deleted a comment on Facebook that would’ve led to a political fight.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.