Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?

WIFE: What are you doing?

ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga

WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?

ME:

WIFE: You fell down the stairs

ME: Yes

[first day as police sketch artist]

“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”

Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.

Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.

something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care

law suits: quality garments for lawyers

My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead

😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣

Radiohead fans, this is for you.

British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins

The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.

The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild

* sleeps in middle of bed

Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.

Me: A bird just flew in the building.

CW: That means someone’s gonna die!

Me: *grabs letter opener

Her:

Me: I don’t make the rules Karen

I used to have dreams.

Now I have Doritos.

How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime

“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”

– Corporate ants.

[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]

me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question

[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]

My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.

So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN

Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche

[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*

I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door

Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do

Her: I want to travel the world in the new year

Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..

Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.

I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.

V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”

[Club]

Him: You want to dance?

Her: *Giggling* Ok

Him: *Scowling* Well go on then

[Seeing your baby for the first time]

Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.

Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.

Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.