Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
You Might Also Like
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
Spray deodorants love to be like LEAVES NO TRACE!!! INVISIBLE!!!! NO MARKS and then the small print is like “only if the rest of your body also happens to be made of white powder
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
[inventing baby carrots] kids hate vegetables but they LOVE choking
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.