Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids

Me: oh no

Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while

Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now

ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.

Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.

I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?

Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.

I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.

Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.

Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.

[Burping a baby]

Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”

What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?

One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!

Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.

“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me

I’m NOT Superman.

What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.

CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands

ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*

CDC: Also brush your teeth

WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*

CDC: And take out the garbage

WORLD: Wait what?

CDC: Go make your bed

WORLD: Stop it

CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean

My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth

my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”

3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery

Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be

Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]

“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank

As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips

I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!

Billion dollar technology idea:

A printer that works

If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?

Checkmate, science.

Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity

I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool

Beatles were all like “We love women.”

Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”

the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty

Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.

Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.

My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining

My 10yo: but not pouring

Me: and the old man is not snoring

6yo:

10yo:

Me:

6yo: YOU’RE an old man

Me: 😑