Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
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I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
my friend came out to her parents first because she didn’t want to choose her new name and she “liked their work the first time”
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
I wish they made a KFC scented air freshener so my car wouldn’t smell like Taco Bell all the time.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
Accidentally wore a blue shirt to Walmart and now I’m in the stockroom showing Sue how to use the forklift.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.