Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
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if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
My 8yo made breakfast* for himself and his younger brother, and I’m so proud
*opened popsicles
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
thoughts?
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.