Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
You Might Also Like
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
I feel like the “how to” book of my life was written in braille…and that shortly after I became an adult, someone clipped off my fingertips with pruning shears.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money