Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
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“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
Always
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
walking out of the bob dylan movie and wondering why I didn’t know any of the songs or why he was a monkey
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
I was heating up some kimchi fried rice in the microwave when IT EXPLODED WITH A HUGE BOOM and I opened it up like WTF because there was rice and kimchi everywhere.
My wife: Maybe that was from North Korea.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.