Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
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ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
It’s cool that christianity has different saints for different things, like St. Francis is the patron saint of animals and St. Ives is the patron saint presumably of apricot face scrub
mariah carrie
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.