Is it stupid and irresponsible? Yes. Will it make me happy? Also yes.
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If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
I look after plant pots and hanging baskets for celebrities, which means I tend to shrub holders with the rich and famous.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
Me: In the grand scheme of things nothing really matters. We are dust in the wind. An ethereal speck in the wonder of time.
Boss: I’m still going to need you to come to work on time.
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
Going into Monday like
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
what
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this