Is it stupid and irresponsible? Yes. Will it make me happy? Also yes.
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dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
Did you ever have your parents hand you some cash, drop you off at the fair, and tell you they’ll pick you up in 8 hours? Work is the opposite of that.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
how to have an accident 101
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.