I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
You Might Also Like
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.