[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
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They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
Vodka burrito was a success
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.