Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE

Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”

Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”

The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.

Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.

How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?

[first day as a masseuse]

Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”

Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”

Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.

Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.

Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?

Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!

therapist: what do you see

me: Snoopy

therapist: this one?

me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football

therapist: I see. and now?

me: Lucy moved the ball

therapist: wtf this is the wrong book

[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-

My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.

My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.

Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.

<gets pulled over>

Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?

Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.

My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.

How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?

My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.

*knocks on morning wood*

If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.

Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..

Cashier: Gimme shake

Customer: *offers paw*

Cashier: Good…here’s your order!

-McDogald’s

some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.

If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.

octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses

Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?

Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.

Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?

babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me

when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement