Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
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You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
Geez man, take it easy.
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.