Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
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Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
Come closer…..and let me just rest this pillow on your face.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
At George Orwell’s grave yesterday an American lady asked us how, if he died in 1940 (not the worst bit of this story), did he write a book in 1984…
If you’re testing me, we failed.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.