Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again

I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”

Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.

Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.

Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.

I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?

I didn’t have time to change clothes before a surprise business meeting so I had to meet with them dressed in jeans & a t shirt with a flying saucer on the front with “I want to leave” in big letters under it. (Everyone else wore a suit.) It went fine but I’m still laughing.

Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.

your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids

[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]

*updates social media with selfie*

Bring food,

No weirdos.

Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now

The Universe: hold my beer

My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.

I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.

If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.

Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.

Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.

[Day at the beach]

*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *

6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home

Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”

Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”

My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)

I ran into one of my students at the grocery store with some wine in my cart and he said “that’s because of us isn’t it?”

My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search

“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.

I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.

Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.

-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.

-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?

-No clue.

*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow

*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow

Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.

My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.

“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers

“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.

Her: I want you to leave me breathless

Me: *hides her inhaler

[at recycling center]

Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*

Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*