Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
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“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
sounds kinky. i’m in.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
jfc Caroline my wife almost saw this
when someone rings the doorbell
