Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.

I’m sorry what now?!

Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.

Friend: I want a baby.

Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.

roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!

An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.

Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves

I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though

RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers

my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers

Note for writers:

If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.

This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.

[Reporting live on scene]

Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?

Me: Christ Gary, all of it.

A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter

girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week

Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?

Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon

Him: you mean secret ingredient?

*catapult launching sound*

I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.

does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?

BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.

The Police have no lead.

me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?

him: chainsaw

me: then Chain needs to tell

Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like

Keep it mysterious, ladies…

Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.

Him: Do you want your receipt?

HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!

–CONCERT NIGHT–

ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!

These dogs look like they have good credit.

Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me

I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.

“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”

-fuse box on a power trip.

Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”

Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?

My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.

It was me.

What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?

My Favorite Chops:

1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork