is it too early for christmas memes
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*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
john wicks are toilet candles
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”