is it too early for christmas memes
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Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
wtf management?!
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
