Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
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The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
You can’t cancel our date I just put a new garbage bag over my broken car window
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
“eat what’s in season” the health people said
Me:
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
We’ve all been there
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers