Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
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A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Tuah Kill a Hawkingbird
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Other than that, Carrie, how was the prom?
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
I shit my pants last week, which is crazy because I’m usually more of a toilet guy.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
