Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
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my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
the internet really was better 18 years ago
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.