Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
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My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
Cake hits so much harder off a plastic fork.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
Husband: can I have a taste?
Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
“listen to your body” ok but my body stopped talking to me after I tried to cure my depression with donuts