Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole

My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.

I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters

So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.

*dusts off treadmill*

Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.

Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no

I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone

Dog politely drops hints that he’s interested in walking..🐕🐾😅

I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.

Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas

Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet

When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.

My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.

Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.

Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.

8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment

Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.

Girl: Do you have protection?

Me: Um like a sword?

back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today

Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:

“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”

“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”

“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”

a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe

Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*

friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass

[later at thanksgiving dinner]

aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?

me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it

[divorce court]

her: he was unfaithful

him: thats a lie!

judge: do you have proof?

her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me

him: judge, thats not being unfa-

judge: shut your cheating mouth!

Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.

Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.

knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health

You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.

My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.

After this very serious election let’s do one goofy one