Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
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I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
grandpa was shocked
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
I have a photographic memory, but I’ve run out of film
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
yes hello I’d like to exchange my generational trauma for generational wealth please
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE