Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
You Might Also Like
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
SCARY COSTUME
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
genius
I got pulled over ONE TIME when my daughter was with me and now whenever she sees a police car she says her own special little prayer of “please god let my mom drive normal”
“Great, now I have to pee.”
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
Mistakes were made
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
Me: Do you hear that? I’m finally on stage & they’re chanting for me.
Hangman: This is a scaffold and they’re in a frenzy for your death.
Me *face aglow* Don’t kill me all the way in case they want an encore.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture