Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
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[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
The funk soul brother
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WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
If someone starts a sentence with “Words can’t express,” brace yourself, because they’re about to give it a hell of a try anyway!
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt