Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
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Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
What’s the point buying it then?
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
Told my twins at their basketball game to slay and don’t be beta skibidi and it felt like a dream to embarrass two kids at once.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?