Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
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It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.