Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma

Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.

tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.

A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks

[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”

My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.

My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*

Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?

I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.

It’s for plane enthusiasts.

What were you thinking?

My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.

Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.

listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”

I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.

Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen

Once I dreamt I’d pissed the bed and when I woke up I had. So never let people tell you dreams can’t come true.

Cop: Are you high?

Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so

“Living well is the best revenge.”

Alexa, what is the second best revenge?

i choose….tongue

Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.

I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.

I went to a school that was so posh, the gym was called James.

*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*

*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*

Monday Lisa

My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.

What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed

Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.

Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?

Canada.

I’m just sayin’

God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human

Jesus: Can I drink?

God: Yes

Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?

God: No

Jesus: Can I have a man cave?

God: Eventually *winks at angel*

[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]

him: SLANTY *clink*

me: I think you mean sláinte

him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey

Boss: You’ll never find another job like this
Me: That would be great

Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.