Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
You Might Also Like
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
Mad Max: Furry Road
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
if I was a nepo baby I’d never use my parents’ status to get a job, I’d live off their money and never work
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
not enough rap songs about your grocery store suddenly changing their layout
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.