Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
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a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
Door dash is the closest thing I’ll ever experience to being actual royalty like bring me a dozen freshly made donuts and a bottle of your finest bourbon!
But your majesty, it’s 9:30 at night and…
I said be quick about it!
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
sigh
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄