Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
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You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
Bees might live longer if they repelled people by handing out religious pamphlets instead of the old sting and die approach.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out