Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
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I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
I grew up in a time where your mother’s saliva was the most powerful cleaning agent around.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
I’ll do a psychic reading for you free of charge on account of I have no idea what I’m doing
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
“Oh I’d love to but I can’t”
Translation: I don’t want to so I won’t.
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.