Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at a job fair]

Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?

A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.

“what’s wrong with you” right now or in general

My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.

Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not

I believe in workplace drug testing.

That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.

Let’s test which one works faster.

Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,

Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”

Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.

The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.

1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*

2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME

If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor

Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*

– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.

You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.

ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.

My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk

Me: what about

Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.

How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.

Them: We should go for a walk in the park

Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?

Them:

Me: Oh right, exercise

*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store

My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.

[job interview]

Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?

Me: Sure, go ahead

Interviewer: [dials number]

Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER

Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.

Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.

The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.

Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.

Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.

Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!

– Toddlers

[Movie Theatre]

Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.

8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.

Me:

Employee:

*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*

All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘

*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*

Husband: *snoring*

It’s like he’s trying to tell me something

*snoring*

What is it boy?

*snoring intensifies*

Timmy’s stuck in a well?