“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
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Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
It’s crazy that we get one toothbrush as a kid and we have to use it once a week for the rest of our lives.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
My wife: “Do you even like writing?”
Me: “I like having written.”
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
#polloftheday
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
Oops
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
SpongeBob has such a good life. Make burgers, catch jellyfish, play with friend. I want that. I want that for me. And I would have no problem with disposing of him in order to get it
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]