“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
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White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Women are like buses, if you missed the last one, another will be along shortly to run you over.
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.