Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
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we had to replace our dishwasher a few months ago and i genuinely had to argue with the store that i wanted the stupidest machine they had. there is not a single situation in the world in which my dishwasher needs wifi
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
Godspeed, John Glenn
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
Sing it!
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.