Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
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saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
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Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
Body by cheese-puffs.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.