Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
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BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
{meeting a beautiful woman who is actually into me} This looks like a job for The Fumbler
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
I already tried new things thanks.
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
My husband obviously loves my style, anytime I say “How do I look?” He doesn’t even have to look at me, he just replies “Gorgeous.”
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
How do horror writers compete with current events?
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.