Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
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In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
lol
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
I hate when interviewers ask a second place finisher about not coming in first but I love this response from Andreas Reiterer.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.