Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
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Just parrot things
penguins are just ducks going to a wedding
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
I did not eat the cake…
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?