Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
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I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
Who.
Did.
This?
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
