Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Dark alley at midnight]

*Knife-wielding punk approaches

Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”

*Punk sneers & raises knife

*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend

– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!

– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.

[someone breaks into the house]

Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings

My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY

The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?

Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.

CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…

Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP

King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?

King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping

Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?

Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…

2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.

Me: Don’t lick the dog.

2: He licked me first.

Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my

ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.

You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.

My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.

introducing two cats is tedium. not interested in your dumb politics just lick each other and be normal already

Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, how

Normal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why

When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s

We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”

Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.

I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.

After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.

There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.

just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”

Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.

The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.

A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.

They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back

“Nevertheless”

~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie

UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.

Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?

PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.

Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.

You didn’t make the team.

*me as your life coach