Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
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SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.