Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*First and last date:

“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”

I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person put glitter in your air vents?

Reasons Pluto is so cold:

3) It’s far from the sun

2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.

1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.

I need the people to know that olympic silver medalist giorgia villa is sponsored by parmesan cheese and regularly posts pics of herself with giant wheels of cheese

People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.

Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful

[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit

Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.

Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time

i’m so old i’m almost back in style

H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?

M: Actually…

*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*

M: That was amazing.

Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.

I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.

Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.

[breakfast]

ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup

WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude

getting a divorce to pursue my true passion: collecting alimony

🧠

The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before

“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.

Don’t you hate it when you buy organic veggies and when you get them home you realize they’re donuts

*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?

I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank

Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.

Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..

James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”

Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.

-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”

When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”

I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock

I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.

“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.

‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’

-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.

not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact

My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.

So annoying when she does this every week.

*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”