Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
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if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
My neighbors kid has been outside banging on a bucket for over an hour while their dog barks at him ….. I would throw a rock but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
if I’m ever found dead in the woods, it’s probably because I was trying to pet a bear.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
Bullshit doesn’t pay the bills unless you’re a politician or in sales
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…