Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
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I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O