Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
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Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
me: going to the gym
friend: but it’s 2AM
me: got to exercise my demons
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming