Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.

[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo

Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)

So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend

Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco

M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT

[BOOM]

M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!

[carrying too many items]

store clerk: would you like a basket

me: no thanks my arms are full

My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.

My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.

Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is

There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.

I may never leave.

*police sirens*

*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*

QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN

*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*

You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.

Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…

“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”

~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership

[plays harmonica] is this kissing?

My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.

OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling

“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”

“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”

I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño

feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?

if my sleeping schedule was a person

My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.

As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases

I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?

I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.

Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]

Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”

Doctor: Step on the scale.

Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?

Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?

Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?