Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
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Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
something like this could probably happen to anyone
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”