Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
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Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
It do be feeling this way.
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”