is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
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I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
I don’t care for the term drug mule, why can’t it be a drug unicorn.
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
barbara was highly relatable
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
The U.K. ditching their old leadership on July 4th is an appropriation of American culture
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.