is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
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I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
goldfish mafia
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
My lawyer said I broke the record for how many times the word mayonnaise was used in a will at 13 times. The previous record was zero.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
Tuesdays are the worst so here is the funniest video of all time
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
“But it’s my only vice” I say to myself as I do my 13th unhealthy thing for the day
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.