is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
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M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
Just seen my doctor about the fake pain in my leg. He’s diagnosed me with pretendonitis.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!