is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
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no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.