is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
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My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
I hope Alan is OK
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
giddy up Office Depot
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
just got off an incredibly depressing and frustrating phone call with my evil health insurance company who actively wants me to die, time to take a big sip of coffee and check the news
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor