Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
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I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
Women be like ‘I hope you look exactly like your profile photo’ and then when you’re kneeling outside the restaurant holding a fish they’re all ‘Omg what is wrong with you’. I can’t win you guys.
if my sleeping schedule was a person
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.