Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
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Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Adding more corn and pumpkin to my diet this fall.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
My husband asked me offhandedly if he had any annoying habits then got fucking offended during the PowerPoint presentation
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
stop complaining about your life. There are literally people living in Iowa.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
San Francisco has too many rules
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”