@WheelTod

Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.

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@RachelWenitsky

This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”

@PaperWash

A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.

@TheToddWilliams

[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”

-Trumpsylvania, how about you?

“North Trumpkota”

@ceejoyner

Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.

@dril

that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop

@ObscureGent

[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]

You OK?

@DonSchanke

For once I would like to find a babysitter that doesn’t get all upset when she gets to my house and realizes I don’t have kids