Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
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Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.