@WheelTod

Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.

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@Amburglar_

“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.

@TheTweetOfGod

Today is National Girlfriend’s Day. But it will never be National Marriage Day. The calendar’s just not ready for that kind of commitment.

@mrjohndarby

[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.

@DrCephalopod

INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what

@ojedge

[puts puppy in microwave]

[googles instructions for making hotdogs]

[quickly releases puppy from microwave]

@Robert_Beau

Sunday Family Dinner:

Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?

Me: Isn’t that your third husband?

MIL:

M:

MIL:

M: Gravy?

@Izianikapani

Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.

@GrillinChillin9

Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”

@Sassafrantz

Gynecologist: ok, I just need you to open up…

Me, interrupting: As a middle child, I never felt good enough.

Gynecologist: Um, your legs