“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
You Might Also Like
Today is National Girlfriend’s Day. But it will never be National Marriage Day. The calendar’s just not ready for that kind of commitment.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
Skating is just walking in cursive.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Gynecologist: ok, I just need you to open up…
Me, interrupting: As a middle child, I never felt good enough.
Gynecologist: Um, your legs