me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
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Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend