is losing your mind a hobby?
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In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
Sorry I made promises on Friday
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
The asteroid..
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
Inside you there are two wolves
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead