Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
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when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
another case of gang violins
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels