Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
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Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.